my love / hate of womanship.

Top 10 awesome perks of being female

1.  you get to say super cute whenever you want without sounding ridiculous.

2.  Shopping is a lifestyle.

3.  SEPHORA!   make up is my medicine... this shop makes my heart sing.

4. You can always get out of the hard labor jobs pulling the damsel in distress bit and why not honestly, men have no problem pretending cleaning is a foreign word.

5.  spas.  massages.  all the luxury things as a woman you are expected to do on the regular. 

6.  the natural ability to multi task. 

7.  Dresses.

8.  Girls nights full of chatter and sillyness. and party planning madness.

9.  Free drinks. 

10.  No one ever expects you to be able to fix things around the house or with the car so you can simply get out of it by saying "i dont know anything about that, can you do it for me?"  -- however, if you do know how to do it you just end up looking even more amazing because not only can you do all the super awesome woman things + + +



a few reason i get just a little jealous of males:

1.  camping would be SO MUCH EASIER if we could pee standing too!  i dont think guys really have any idea how very little aim we have.  its such a mess and it makes camping and the like so difficult, its not just about the lack of showering boys..  its the lack of showering with pee stained legs for days on end.. the fear of tipping over into your pee cos you had a few too many beers and its not easy to remain stable while you're trying to wipe.... the shuffling around for tp in the middle of the night...

2.  guys get to burp and fart and be disgusting with out looking unattractive and rude.

3. and mostly because they have more control over their emotions... they dont seem to be ruled by feelings all the time and crying doesnt just happen cos a baby bird fell from its nest...

  i guess someone's gotta keep puff's in business.

and thats gotta be it cos mostly, women are the superior gender, right?!!

Summer Flowers I will plant again!

Back on my gardening / planting kick this summer.. picked a variety of plants and flowers to see what works out best so eventually my flower beds will be the talk of the town :)

The flower above is Convolvulus which was listed on the tag that came with the flower however upon researching through wikipedia would be known as Convolvulus tricolor - Dwarf Morning Glory.
I love the bright colors in this flower!  This is the only flower that has bloomed in this particular plant so far and i am really looking forward to see more!

According to the information this is a perennial which is good to plant in pots or at the gardens edge.  (i have it planted in a pot)  You should plant in sun or part sun and it will grow to be 6 - 8" tall.

This beautiful pink flower is a zinnia, the type i have is considered a profusion mix, here is what wikipedia has to say about them: "The Profusion series, with both single and double-flowered components, is bred by Sakata of Japan, and is among the most well-known of this hybrid group. Zinnias seem especially favored by butterflies, and many gardeners add zinnias specifically to attract them"  Zinnias flourish in full sun and will grow 10 - 12" tall.

This fantastic bright yellow beauty is a snapdragon (also known as Antirrhinum) the mix i chose is called freesong which will produce pink, white, yellow and red flowers.

wikipedia says "Snapdragons are perennial plants often sold as cold-season annual plants and do best in full or partial sun. They are available in a range of heights:"  mine says plant in sun or part sun and they will grow 14 - 18" tall.  

this lovely flower is called a Eustoma Lisianthus and the variety i have is Florida Blue.  wikipedia says this "
Eustoma is a genus of 3 species in the family Gentianaceae, found in warm regions of the Southern United States, Mexico, Caribbean and northern South America. They are mostly found growing in grassland and areas of disturbed ground.
They are herbaceous annuals, growing to 15 – 60 cm tall, with bluish green, slightly succulent leaves, and large funnel shaped flowers growing on long straight stems."

mine says grow in full to part sun and they will reach 8 - 10" tall.  I love the bright purple/blue color of this flower and it has very unique leaves.

This lovely purple-ish / red flower is called a cosmos.  i really like the leaves surrounding it, and it seems to bloom really well.  the flowers are big and bright and the contrast with the light green leaves is really beautiful.  These are to be planted in full sun and can grow up to 24" tall!

Such a delicate yellow flower is called MiniFamous™ Double Lemon Calibrachoa -  I actually bought these from a person selling them at his home.  he would get them from an amish farmer and i only paid $1 per plant!  Unfortunately i only bought 2 and wished i had purchased several more! These flowers trail out of the pot and would work great for hanging baskets.  They are very easy to grow!  the tag i have says this:  Best in fertile, well drained soil, water as needed to keep soil evenly moist.  trailing 40", height, 4".  i highly recommend these.. very lovely!

I dont know very much about this plant except that i got it at bachman's and its called Ornamental Oregano.  It's so beautiful and works well in a container with other flowers.  It's a perennial and will come back over and over again so im looking forward to seeing if it works next year!

My lovely Spearmint plant!  I adore these plants, they smell amazing and the leaves are such a bright green.  Mint is good in full sun and fairly easy to grow.  they can get about 24" tall! 

these tiny little blue flowers are absolutely darling!  They are called Forget Me Not's or Myosotis.  

And Wikipedia says this "Forget-me-nots may be annual or perennial plants. Their root systems are generally diffuse. Their seeds are found in small, tulip-shaped pods along the stem to the flower. The pods attach to clothing when brushed against and eventually fall off, leaving the small seed within the pod to germinate elsewhere. Seeds can be collected by putting a piece of paper under the stems and shaking them. The seed pods and some seeds will fall out."  --- i think i'll try shaking the stems and collecting some seeds for next year!  i absolutely adore these dainty little flowers!

 

 and these are wave petunia's ... love love love!  they come in so many different colors and are the easiest thing to grow. 

a few tricks for the summer...

i received a couple forwards with some good information i wanted to share, i dont know if this stuff works but its worth a shot to find out! 

Ticks -   to get rid of a tick thats sunk itself into you
 
"Apply a glob of liquid soap to a cotton ball.  Cover the tick
with the soap-soaked cotton ball and swab it for a few
seconds (15-20), the tick will come out on its own and be
stuck to the cotton ball when you lift it away.   This
technique has worked every time I've used it (and that
was frequently, and it's much less traumatic for the
patient and easier for me.." --- information received from a pediatrician.

another is to rid of mosquito's

"I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it."

I am definitely going to try these tips out and I'll comment on how it works!  if  you beat me to it let me know what you thought, id love to hear some feedback! 

people can be so judging.

i read a book recently about change, accepting it, learning how to live with the new life you have after it... how you dont realize while going thru the hardship of an end / beginning, looking back you will find those are the times you learned the biggest lessons.



I've gone through boat loads of change in the past couple years.. many hard lessons to learn and obstacles to overcome. sometimes it feels like punishment and i can become so angry thinking... why me??  --- as i suppose we all think at times.  but more so than just the tough issues at hand i find myself frustrated with the judgement. 


we all have struggles.  we all go through moments of shame we wish no one would ever know about.  we all have those times when we feel so small and vulnerable that all it takes is a feeling of disapproval and you could crumble into thousands of pieces.... or is that just me?  the more i think about it.. how often is it that you actually hear the raw truth.  the REAL.  HARSH.  NO BULLSHIT feelings and thoughts a person goes through at their worst.. and when you do... how many people in that persons day to day life have any idea? 

that lady at the coffee shop who didnt look up and pushed by you.. the one who couldnt smile and looked lost and you felt frustrated and thought "how rude"... i wonder what her suffering is?  maybe she's having a bad day.. maybe she just lost her father? 

the guy at your office who's always being too polite.. almost annoying like. saying hi every morning.  always having a great day. asking about your weekend, your kids.. often you think.. mind your bloody business would you?!  maybe he goes home to an apartment alone and has no one to talk to until he comes to work the next day.. maybe his wife and children just left him... you'd never know would you... but i bet its easy to judge him and think, why is he so happy all the time?  what's there to be happy about every morning at work?

i have struggled for years with the lack of sympathy, empathy, compassion in this world.  its so much easier to step on another to climb up that ladder to the top, right.  why develop concern for a stranger and put thought into their needs when we've all got our own struggles.... they'll figure it out. 

it's far too easy to judge.. natural i think.  so harsh. so cold.  so unnecessary. but yet we all fall into the trap of assuming whatever makes it easiest to believe of a person.. just at simple glance, a small glimpse of a tiny detail of a persons life that probably means nothing anyway. but judge away...

oh look at how perfect she is, i bet she never has a bad day in her whole life.   well at least that lady is fatter then i am.. no need to feel so bad then.  i bet that guy has loads of money, must be nice not to have to stress about anything just buying anything you want all the time....

i dont know what i really expect to come of writing about this.. if nothing else maybe just evoke some type of thought and prevent even just one person from being so harsh  the next time around..

often we have no real idea of the path others live..

why not be that person who...

smiles at strangers.

buys the next guy's coffee.

holds the door open.

helps the neighbor with their groceries.

compliments the cashier on her hair..

may not seem like much but what's it gonna hurt?









 

i recently watched the

extreme home makeover show that was about a family who had lost their daughter because she was texting and driving.  it was sad, well and happy as they all are.  this family was really trying to make a difference and reach out to others by using themselves and their experience as an example.  must be really hard to continue everyday to force an issue and at the same time not be able to forget about your loss as its right in your face all the time...

so anyway.. after watching this very touching show and thinking / feeling just sick to my stomach about this family and the negative affects driving while distracted can do to a person / family... i go to the website and read about what happened to the girl and there is a pledge you can take.  the family has set up a page where you take a pledge to never text and drive... i wanted to do it... i felt like it was the right thing to do it!  who would ever know if i sent one little text here and there after signing the pledge???  --- ME!  i simply cannot live with myself saying that to the world and then the very next day sending a text while driving.. i mean does this include not being able to send a text while at a stop light???   ---  what is the matter with me?!!?  why cant i simply just sign the pledge and wait 10 minutes or whatever it is to respond.. honestly, i doubt anything i have to text someone is that important it cant wait. 

i am wide awake at 12:38a thinking about this because i know it doesnt make sense.  i know better.. ive been texting and looked up from my phone and had to swerve back in my lane.. ive said.. oooh that was close more times than i wish to admit.  --- i defo have cut down and generally only text when im stopped for a light but still, is it that difficult?  apparently i need to address this with my therapist.. adding it to the list.

AWESOME Pork Chop Recipe!

I made these tonight and they were delish! 

Ingredients:

• 1 cup butter crackers (i used ritz) 
• garlic salt 1/2 tsp 
• ground black pepper, to taste
• 3 eggs, beaten 
• 4 pork chops 
• 1/3 cup butter 

Directions:

1. preheat oven to 375  
2. in a bowl combine crushed crackers, garlic salt and pepper, mix well.  in separate bowl beat eggs. 
3. dip pork chops in eggs, then in crackers and place in casserole dish.  place chunks of butter around the pork chops.  cover and bake for 45 minutes.  

zodiac changing bit.

apparently... if you have facebook atleast you will have already noticed the full upheaval which i orginally partook in myself until i decided there HAD to be more too this! 

anyway, theres a story on msnbc: 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41047777

which is stating the zodiac has changed and when you look at it basically 80% of ppl appear to have been bumped to a different sign.

then you find story's like this on CNN:  

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/13/no-your-zodiac-sign-hasnt-changed/

a whole lotta something about nothing!!!

this kinda stuff drives me nuts!!  another way the media puts things in away that those who read only a small part of a story and start getting all wound up before really researching around to see that its not such a big deal.  besides, i dont care what an article says about my sign changing from a Taurus to and Aries... there is no way i fit the Aries profile.... carry on. 

New year... New attempt at becoming a successful blogger!

Happy New Year all!

I'm hopeful this year will be full of change and growth and success for me and those i hold close.  This past year was a bit chaotic for me full of so many changes... i felt stuck in the mud... in the dark woods, without a clear map and no one who could really tell me how to get out of it the way i needed to.... this year I am determined to get out of those woods and make a change that will fulfill me and make me feel at peace with myself.

Wishing for this to be the best year yet to you and yours.. and myself of course!  Happy 2011!! 

mattisms and random funny shit.

We went to buy some inserts for matts shoes the other day.. he works on cement all day moving around lifting heavy stuff and really needs to have good support..

(Walking into the Good Feet store)

construction turned sales guy:  What can i do for you?

matt:   im here to find out about feet.......

(this is when i get that really confused look and cant help but look at him wondering                        why he wants to find out about feet?  does he think this sales dude is like some foot specialist or maybe a doctor of all things foot related??  a foot genious?  ....  what's he gonna say next?  Can you tell me why my feet have grown in the past 5 years??  Do you think my toes are shaped abnormally?  do you think my feet smell a bit odd??)

...  not my choice of words i guess....bla bla bla - random boring stuff, then...

sales guy:     what size shoe do you wear?

matt: 13

sales guy:     have you always been a 13?

matt:  well for a long time  maybe 5 years?  i used to wear a size 12 before. 


sales guy:  have you ever worn a smaller or larger size? ........

Wait... there are people who's feet actually SHRINK!!??  --- what are they drinking and where do i get some?!!

NEXT

Matt doing is fav. thing.. asking questions he really does know the answer to...

(Matt calls me)

Matt:  did you return the menards stuff?

Me:  amm...  do you think i did...?   didnt you just see it in the car when you drove home?

Matt:  yah.  ----  Did Tiffany pick up Boujee yet??

Me:  you just said you got home a minute ago... cant you see him????  (mind you, he knows im with Tiffany as i had her pick me up after dropping the car at his work about 45 minutes earlier)

Matt:  ohh.

Me:   we'll be walking in the door in a minute, ill just talk to you then. 

(when we walked in the door of the house)

Matt:  You LIAR!  you said you were just walking in the store!

Me:  What?!!  No didn't  ... i said we had already gone to Kmart and looked for a coat for Madeline!

This is when i think  .... "if i were talking about a candy bar...girls mud wrestling...  hunting he'd have heard  every word!"

life is good... laugh it up --- have a great weekend... dont worry, this stuff happens often and there will be more to come!

Disclosure:  in no way do i mean to display matt as dumb.  he is a very smart guy, in fact i dont think he actually realizes how intelligent he actually is which i guess is a bit good for me cos then i get to look so smart all the time : )       .... i think he just doesnt turn that nifty brain on at times, throwing himself into tv mode, i call it zombie vision.

and im FREE...... Freeeeee Fallin'

This was one of my favorite skydiving pics... we jumped at about 12K feet!  it was really scary looking down but i tried to look out instead.  Initially the shock of the wind and that i just jumped out of a plane made me freeze and my ears really hurt making me think i should defo get some ear plugs when i do this again.  after the chute was pulled it was much more relaxing... going another time would put me more at ease i think.

Another fav.  the parachute looks so beautiful.  crazy to think i was up there..

and the landing!   -- not really scary as i thought it would be... actually quite smooth.  i was just to put my legs out in front and land on my bottom.  easy peasy.

The reason i cant sleep and wake

up at ridiculous times in the morning because my mind is full of wondering and questions....

i don't often write in a journal , i havent been able to acquire journal - ing as a part of my regular routine.
however, when im particularly upset and venting to those close to me and my therapist simply isnt enough i try to write for some type of "fix".  Here is an excerpt from tonights journal entry:

"the most frustrating part of the wkend was the convo w/ my dad.  Im overly frustrating & all I want to do is not feel.  Im tired of feeling

HURT.     REJECTED.     ALONE.     FORGOTTEN.    IGNORED.

it doesnt seem like many care abt feelings of anyone else ~  Why do i care so much??
Ive been working so hard at giving my feelings a voice but really... who cares?
Sometimes it feels like im only focusing on what went wrong instead of what went right.

I feel like if i dont watch my back all the time, im going to be tricked   -   taken advantage of    -   made a fool.

Why isnt it enough that I think im important?
Do I really think i am or is it that I just know im supposed to?

When will i feel at peace?"

The part of the weekend that was frustrating because of the conversation with my dad was about a recent skydiving experience i had... well not exactly about the experience but the details behind it.  My dad agreed to pay for me to go skydiving on my 30th birthday.  He wrote it in my Birthday card... this was the first gift id been given for my birthday in many years.  I turned 30 in May of 2009.  I asked to "cash it in" to go skydiving with one of my close friends on her 30th birthday just a week ago.  this did not go well for many reasons.

1. I had to debate with my dad in order for him to agree to pay for my birthday gift.  as usual, he "didn't really have the money right now"  however just the day before he had told me about his 10 day vacation to Arizona.  His recent purchase of a laptop that his wife "just loves".  and... how they've done so many house repairs, remodeled the office ... built on a screen porch to the house.... 

2. during the conversation debating my birthday gift i questioned whether my dad's and his wife were treating her 2 daughters the same way they treat his 2 daughters?  I dont get birthday gifts, i dont get xmas gifts.  the thing is... her daughters seem to have a great relationship with my father and their mother, they always have..... did they get money towards their weddings?  will i?  were they invited to the wedding between my father and his wife approx 12 years ago???  i know i wasnt... do they get invited to thanksgiving and christmas at their house... i know i dont.  

3. after asking the above questions to my dad he chose not to answer and agreed to pay for skydiving.    this to me meant:    all the above was true.     thanks dad.  thanks for paying for skydiving.      thanks for letting me know you treat "her daughters"  like children should be treated and you treat me much differently.  like i dont matter.  like i dont deserve to be treated like your child. 

   4.  dont ask me whats going on with this numbering ... i have no idea and im too annoyed to try and fix it.
   
   
   5.  I went skydiving on halloween weekend.  my dad has told me he would send the check like 3 times.  i asked on the day of halloween (cos he called to ask how skydiving went)  if he could please send me the money because i had taken it out of savings and needed to put it back because of a recent vacation i have scheduled and other reasons.  i fear if i dont follow up on this it will be forgotten and he agreed to it.  ----    i still dont have a check...
   
   6.  I called my dad on Saturday to explain that i was very upset and i was going to try not to yell however i didnt get the check and i dont understand why?   he said he "spaced it"  ..... well several times really i suppose cos we talked about a few times and he'd said he was going to mail the check at least three times... didnt i write this down somewhere as proof?  do i need proof?  does that even matter anyway... what am i going to do with said proof... take my dad to parent court and explain how he hurts me regularly by ignoring my feelings and not following through?
   
   7.  in my recent phone conversations with my father i have explained how when he does things "like this"  i feel like im not important.  it makes it hard to forget and forgive the past because i feel like nothings changed.  his actions are not the same as his words  ... "crystal, you are important"  .... but.... not important enough for me to follow through and try to treat you the same as my wife's children... thats what he means to say, right?
   
   8  i was crying the majority of the conversation.  it was hard to talk cos i was crying and so hurt... not yelling.  i didnt have the energy to be angry just so very sad.  i had to let my dad go because i felt i couldnt talk about this anymore and i was tired of crying.  i was tired of showing my weakness and letting him know i get hurt by his actions.
   
   9.  i told my father that "i had to go now" ... and hung up the phone.   he didnt call me back.  not today either.
   
   10.  why does this consume me.  why at 31 years old do i still feel deeply hurt by my father.  why do i still expect him to do what a father should... he never really has.. why would that change.  
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

    

"uncle matt,

you crack me up like an egg"  --- in the cutest 4 year old voice with a little giggle at the end and those sparkling eyes and sweet smile!  matt's neice is about the most adorable thing ive seen ever, well aside from her lovely sister of course.  they melt my heart.  i am quite sure they are going to be breaking hearts by the dozens in the way too near future.  just thought id share some cuteness for the day and hope to crack a smile :)  Happy Windy Wednesday!

Here are some of my earings. Feedback would be lovely!

not intentionally avoiding

blogging but ive just had some other daunting issues that took priority. 

some really exciting news is that im going to be selling my jewelry in a shop a few blocks from my house!!!!  im soooooooooo very excited about this.  i constantly have ideas of different ways to make extra money  that one day will make it possible for me to stop working for others and cater to my life and the people around me who mean more to me than some silly paycheck and devoting my precious time just to add funds to someone elses personal financial. so yippeee!  needless to say ive been spending loads of time turning the extra bed into a jewelry workshop space exerting every ounce of creative energy possible on inventory :)

other not so exciting events.

i had a colonoscopy yesterday.  have you ever had one of these?  --- as everyone says its not the procedure but the prep that sucks.. its AWFUL!  this was my 3rd one and instead of getting easier they are getting worse! 

if you're not familiar heres how it works.  2 or 3 days b4 (depending on the doc) you have to start limiting your diet by not eating fiber and such.. nothing to awful.  then the whole day before your procedure you can only eat :  Green or Yellow Jello, Chicken Broth, Hard Candy, Juice (nothing red or purple), popcicles (again only the shit flavors, nothing red or purple) and thats about it.  so ya, your starving the whole day.  the worst part about not being able to eat is that because you cant thats when you really want to and you realize that every single commercial or tv program is about food.  as well as most billboards.  all people want to talk about is eating delicious things and there are so many restaurants everywhere its pointless to leave the house. 

On top of being starving you have to start drinking this nasty sodium something or other drink at like 3 in the afternoon which will completely destroy the rest of your day / night.  it tastes like puke.  if you've never drank  your own puke, get ready to know what that would taste like.  i am gagging right now just thinking about what it tastes like.  so anyhow, you get to drink 8 oz's of this special mix every 15 minutes!!!  and this goes on for 4 hours!  thats assuming you can actually drink it properly according to the directions.  of course i found this impossible and was drinking it for like 8 hours.  eventually after you get enough of this shiz down you will begin to go to the bathroom constant, you feel like you have to go all the time and a good amount of that time you will actually have to go.  your stomach is in knots and howling for food which you cannot give it.

after about midnight you are no longer allowed to drink anything at all.  its very hard to sleep because you need to go to the potty still very often and your stomach is hurting.  you get up and have to get ready to go in for this procedure and all you can think about is food and a drink of water which you cant do either.

then you go in the hospital and they ask you about 5 thousand questions and give you an IV and the whole time all you keep thinking is, can you please give me that yummy medicine that immediately makes me fall asleep so i can wake up and get to eating a steak and some french fries and a chocolate shake maybe some cookies and ice cream mmm, fried chicken sounds good too.

so if you havent been lucky enough to have a colonoscopy yet just start getting excited because at the age of 50 everyone is supposed to be having one!

 

worry.

I dropped oliver off at the dog cutting place this am and im waiting for him to get finished ... worrying huge!

I know, he's just a dog but honestly i dont have kids and he is my baby.  he's the type of dog that has to be right by me all the time.  at the dog park when he's racing around playing with the other dogs he checks to make sure i am still in the same spot often and if he doesnt see me he wont continue to play.  getting him groomed is the only time i leave him with anyone else that i dont personally know.  i dont kennel him anymore, since he's been potty trained i dont feel the need to punish him in puppy jail.

anyhow... this place is new to us and she was a bit awkward.  i was leading the conversation the whole time and she just kind of dazed off into space... mkay.  you own a business yet you dont have any people skills?  whatever maybe thats what makes her good at her job?  he was shaking the whole time i held him and talked to her about what he was like and how to cut his hair.  i told her to call me as soon as he was done.. she'd told me i could pick him up by 3p otherwise!  3p!! wtf.  why do i have to drop him off so early then!!?  i dont know if we're going back to this place.. ohh yah, and when i walked in her house/shop there was some loud noise going on downstairs that sounded like a vacuum.  so she walked up the stairs with these huge head phones on and the noise continued.....  right away i said he doesnt like noises like that it scares him.

ugh.  this sucks, i just want to pick him up and make sure he's okay.  maybe i should just drop in early and say i was in the area.  i hate stuff like this.  poor boujee. 

I bougt a vivitar camera at toys r us today as a b-day present for matt's neices, i wanted to play around with it so i took a few pics and thought id share my thoughts in case anyone is thinking of getting a kids camera.

The camer is a Vivitar ViviCam 5022 (they also have it in red and its on sale only thru today for 29.99 reg. price 49.99)  -- i dont think i would have parted with the 49.99 after dinking around with it but i think the girls will be happy with it anyhow.  i did purchase an additional warranty on them for 5.99 which covers accidental damage for 15 months, i thought this was well worth it!  

so here are my thoughts:

Positives:

• feels light yet sturdy like it could be dropped a mess of times and not suffer.  
• good price
• easy to use
• takes fairly decent pictures
• takes pictures quickly 
• comes with a cd for software installation, usb cord and a little hand held cord to attach.
• good size screen for viewing 

Negatives:

• picture quality seemed better in outdoor light than indoor.  and with pictures far away vs. up close. 
• takes 3 triple AAA batteries, i dont know how fast those will go but id say kids with tend to leave them on and i dont think there is an automatic shut off?  -- no manual included?  could probably find it online, have to check.  
• you have to buy an SD card in order to take any pictures.  
• i didnt post about 3 of the pictures i took because i must have took them to quickly without holding the button down or moving to fast?  -- those turned out blurry.  hopefully the girls can figure out how to avoid that after using them a bit. 

The absolue worst feeling in all the world

is to experience heartbreak.   

i think its safe to say any person over 21 has experienced some type of true love lost that really shattered the heart to pieces. 

its like a part of you has been removed and will nevercome back.. ever.  your body aches, your chest tightens... the feelings are overwhelming.  you are certain you will never be that same person again.  you know this will change you and fear your heart will turn a bit colder.  this may make you bitter.  this may ruin you for the one.. the one that would never dream of crushing your delicate precious heart.  ... of course over time this gets easier and you start to breathe with out have to think about it and soon enough you stop thinkin' about them constant and it appears your life actually will move forward with out them... really it will! they're may be a glimpse of hope out there.. there may actually be home for you after all!

ive experienced this pain a lot in  my life already.. so much more than anyone ever should have too.  maybe because im super sensitive to everything.  maybe because ive brought it on myself.  maybe because i had the unfortune experience of loving the wrong ones over and over. 

being diagnosed with major depressive disorder for most my life can really exaggrate sadness by 10,000 times and flip my entire world upside down.  im a constant work in progress when it comes to my illness because...
i never want depression to define ME!
i never want to let it take over and push me to the end.
i WILL NEVER let this illness destroy MY life.
Take away my CHOICE.   

the seriousness of this disease is awful and i have to wonder how many people really understand the pain and hurt that goes along with it. can one who hasnt experienced depression REALLY understand the life threatening side of this disease? REALLY understand its uncontrollable. No one chooses to be this miserable?  REALLY.

now, with all that said... ppl with any illnesses have a choice.  a choice to treat it and choice not to.  a choice to self medicate with drugs and alcohol or self mutilation, whatever floats their boat i guess.  a choice to seek professional medical attention. a choice to be as healthy as you can by following the rules your doctor gives you.  a choice to use medication if thats necessary.  a choice to seek therapy because this isnt just a pain that can be taken away with medication, a person needs to get to the bottom of their pain.. accept their truth.  and i personally dont see how else you can do all that with out a professional therapist, counselor, psychologist..

the biggest heartache ive suffered is the worst you can have in my experience.  its a loss that no one should ever know.  the loss you have to accept without death.  the complete and udder ruin of ones childhood.  the heart break only a parent can cause.  Might seem odd to think of heartbreak in relation to a family member.  most only think of romantic heartbreak.. relationship fouls.  But i think the really big punch to the gut kind of heartbreak is when it comes from those who are meant to give you the only unconditional love you will have in your life. 

parents are supposed to protect you.  teach you.  help you when you go through loss.  help you understand how to get over heartbreak.. heartbreak thats non blood related.  the normal heartbreak that we all need to experience to know when we've found the one.  the truest love. the love that completes you. 

ive had an exceptionally hard episode with my parents as of recent and im struggling.  my pain is overwhelming me today.  yesterday.  probably next week too. 

i will survive.  i will breathe again soon.  i will laugh again soon.  i will stop crying.  soon.

Do you ever feel like you're going a million miles an hour...

yet it doesnt seem like you're going fast enough at all.  Talking so fast and with so much more to say and just cant figure out how to get it all out of your head with out someone cutting you off and then you're left with all this stuff rattling around that desperately needs to exit your body and ... aahh.. err... eehhm... now you're left with it. all spinning. inside your brain.  Before you know it you're lost on about 6 other topics you wanted to spew out as well.... this is why im on Adderall.  actually im on Vyvanse now but its just about the same thing.

Recently my doc told me to stop taking it for awhile cos ive got really bad acid reflux and he thought this could be a contributing factor... well im not so sure about all that but what i am sure about is with out being on my meds i cant stop the spinning and jumping from one thing to the next so fast i forgot where i was or how i got there.

I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD in the past year and i couldnt tell you how i managed with out meds for so long?!  I would joke with ppl about having ADD all the time growing up and i was half serious when id say it.  but you hear about how ADD has been misdiagnosed a ton and you hate to medicate for anything more than whats already required.  i didnt give it enough thought to do anything about it and no one else seemed to pay enough attention to me to notice.  odd that... i cant pay attention.  i grew up with parents that couldnt pay attention to me. 

I guess i finally realized it was a real problem when i had a mini breakdown and was forced to deal with the obvious, thats a topic for another day... when i was able to sort some underlying troubles out... get my head clear it still seemed IMPOSSIBLE to focus. The best way to describe what its like is if you imagine your mind racing.. flying from one thought so quickly to the next you cant catch it.. spinning round a race track at about 500mph.  all you want to do is slow it down.  pause for a minute to collect it all but it wont stop moving and there's no sense anyhow cos how'd you ever deal with all the backlog if it ever did stop?  its kind of exhausting.  its actually really exhausting.  i just realized i talk about "it" as if ADHD has a mind of it's own... well i guess it does.. sure thinks my mind doesnt work fast enough at all!

one of the first places i became aware of my ADHD causing problems would be at work trying to get one of the payroll's done and id jump from one to the other to the other... i couldnt ever get anything done cos id be so fast to jump to something else... constant spinning.  EXTREMELY counterproductive!  I suppose thats why a multi tasking job has always been good for me, gives you an excuse to keep on the move.  only problem with this is i was always going forward and couldnt seem to get back to anything... can you imagine the problems this caused!?

i wonder how it happened to me... if i was just born with it?  or .. can you develop ADHD later in life?  i wonder if either of my parents have it.. obviously they dont know because they arent treating it.. or maybe i have it due to all the drugs they did when i was a baby... id put my money on that and im not the gambling type.

so i guess this is the start of my open-ness regarding my many, many medical issues.  ive been hesitant to delve into it but i figured the last thing i want to do is contribute to the problem... there are enough really f'd up things in this world and the small difference i can make by accepting my truth is just what ive chose to do.
the stigma's regarding medical issues really bother me .. huge.  i suppose its the same as any harsh and unkind behaviour some have against others who are born with physical differences. judging seems to be one of the first things a person learns in life.  ive done my share.. thinking back, there are several times im ashamed to admit things ive said and felt in my ignorant years.  sometimes i can still be ignorant but i guess i view it differently now because i choose to reflect and learn from those behaviours.  

in no way am i claiming perfection in anything, id be the last to do so.. i just get really upset with the harshness in this world. im sure a huge contributing factor is my highly dysfunctional family and the lack of attention or concern for my needs.  ive always been the odd duck in the pond.  too many problems.  not enough patience.  ruled by confusing emotion.  zero guidance.  lets just say i my parents wouldnt be nominated for any type of awards.

so anyway... im still up, head spinning... a little less now cos im finally getting sleepy.  anxious to be given the go ahead to start up the Vyvanse again and make my head a little less busy.
  

Neurotic with a capital N!

proof of my extreme Neurotic-ness:

(beware... this is one of those extremely rare times when i take a look at myself and think, maybe im a little bit off :)

so im a bit picky about what i let boujee put in his belly (boujee = oliver = my puppy) there are a couple different reasons... one i think its important he eat a decent brand of food / treats because i dont eat shit food all the time because of my health and i dont want him to be unhealthy and at risk of problems and early death!

two..  i CANT stand when his ass stinks!  he's constantly sitting next to me and if he has gas i get so upset.  i have a weak tummy, those type of smells make me gag!

anyway... so i bought him some treats a few weeks ago that i dont typically buy him, they were the soft kind like some puperoni and bacon things... i should have known better.. i had coupons and they were on sale...thats not the problem, i should have known better because i shouldn't buy something that i dont typically just because of the low price.. there are reasons for this, REMEMBER?!!?  (that was said to myself, not you)

so.... i walk over to my neighbors who have 2 small dogs and i ask if they feed their dogs these type treats and if they would like them?  ohhh sure, they'd love them!  i said.. great, i tried giving them to oliver but "they just dont agree with him"  ... yep... i said THEY JUST DONT AGREE WITH HIM.  officially nuts.

So... i missed it, right...

the memo that went out yesterday about the new US Holiday?  or was it advertised in the tv during the football game last night... no wonder i didnt know about it.  National Dip Shit Day, of course.

im not the most impatient person in the world, im well aware of this.  growing up so close to minneapolis i learned pretty quickly how to drive aggressively, well and defensively of course.... the older i got the faster things needed to be attained.  my first job was in Fast Food... then i was a food server.. nothing slow about that!  the majority of my adult life ive spent in an office manager type position which requires you to be quick on your feet, i was the one you went to when you needed to "get things done!"  when ive done work travel id get up at 4:30a to be on a 7a flight that would arrive around 11ish.. we'd get the rental car, grab lunch (meanwhile talking about business the whole time obviously) then to the office and working until 6p... quick run to the hotel to check in and off to happy hour, dinner, after dinner drinks... 6 hours of sleep and go go go.

so yah, i like to get things done and on to the next ... well, thats what ive grown accustomed to... my recent move to a much smaller town in wisconsin has be a breath of fresh air.. i like a little slower pace... i like to chew my food ... take the necessary bathroom breaks when i want instead of when time permits.. go for a bike ride and stop to smell the roses... well right before dinner because after a quick meal we need to get to the grocery store, target, return the movie, buy dog food, get gas for the car.. just a quick stop by matts grandparents for a chat and help them with the odd chore to get home early enough to make lunch for tomorrow and give the dog a bath.. wash a quick load of laundry and watch the news before hitting the sheets of course, all at a very natural pace really... old habits die slow.

i like the thought of slow and easy HOWEVER.... in the middle of a weekday you should respect others need for a little hussle factor!  i get the whole stopping for pedestrians in the crosswalk thing.. but do they really need to walk immediately across a busy road with out even raising an eye to acknowledge the natural flow of traffic... come on, be reasonable.  and do you really need to be texting while walking across the road in front of a load of cars just waiting on you, while you are completely clueless giving absolutely zero attention to except to text Tessa: "How RU? HH later? 50c taps at the library".... REALLY!?!  do you know how bad id feel if i wasnt paying attention and hit you with my car and you got hurt, do you!? ... so i just give a light tap on the horn with a frown of displeasure and a slight raise of the hand to say WTF?!!?  --- and Matt's annoyed with me for being impatient..... this was only the beginning of a long line of stupidness today.

driving in small towns makes me feel a bit hostile.  just a bit.  a little sense of urgency isnt going to kill anyone. its also not necessary to ask 8 billion questions when you need to schedule and eye exam check up.  Yes, i had the exam already (isnt that in the computer?)  yes my information is all the same... i was just there 2 weeks ago.  is there anything wrong... well, yes and no, i mean, arent you suppose to have a follow up appointment to make sure your contacts fit properly?  No, they dont fit properly, thats esp why i need to come back.  whats wrong with them.. well... they dont feel good... and one ripped with in 2 days of wearing them.. yes i know how to care for them properly ive been wearing contacts for over 15 years.  no im not wearing them now, THEY'VE RIPPED!  have YOU ever tried wearing a ripped contact?  well im wearing my old contacts now, the ones that have worked properly for years... when? well as soon as possible i suppose. ... okay, can we just talk about this all tomorrow when i come in then?  sure, talk to the doc and call me back if you need to i guess but ill be in tomorrow though, so... i dont know if thats necessary, ya think?  yep, my phone number is still the same from 2 weeks ago.  yep.. see you tomorrow.. nope, dont need a call for an appt reminder, i think im good.  ... she MUST be bored.  and slow... or yah, the memo... doh.

maybe i need to pick up drinking again.. maybe i wouldnt care so much.. well then, id be the one at happy hour not worrying about eye appointments.  HH at the library anyone?  50c taps... you down?