people can be so judging.

i read a book recently about change, accepting it, learning how to live with the new life you have after it... how you dont realize while going thru the hardship of an end / beginning, looking back you will find those are the times you learned the biggest lessons.



I've gone through boat loads of change in the past couple years.. many hard lessons to learn and obstacles to overcome. sometimes it feels like punishment and i can become so angry thinking... why me??  --- as i suppose we all think at times.  but more so than just the tough issues at hand i find myself frustrated with the judgement. 


we all have struggles.  we all go through moments of shame we wish no one would ever know about.  we all have those times when we feel so small and vulnerable that all it takes is a feeling of disapproval and you could crumble into thousands of pieces.... or is that just me?  the more i think about it.. how often is it that you actually hear the raw truth.  the REAL.  HARSH.  NO BULLSHIT feelings and thoughts a person goes through at their worst.. and when you do... how many people in that persons day to day life have any idea? 

that lady at the coffee shop who didnt look up and pushed by you.. the one who couldnt smile and looked lost and you felt frustrated and thought "how rude"... i wonder what her suffering is?  maybe she's having a bad day.. maybe she just lost her father? 

the guy at your office who's always being too polite.. almost annoying like. saying hi every morning.  always having a great day. asking about your weekend, your kids.. often you think.. mind your bloody business would you?!  maybe he goes home to an apartment alone and has no one to talk to until he comes to work the next day.. maybe his wife and children just left him... you'd never know would you... but i bet its easy to judge him and think, why is he so happy all the time?  what's there to be happy about every morning at work?

i have struggled for years with the lack of sympathy, empathy, compassion in this world.  its so much easier to step on another to climb up that ladder to the top, right.  why develop concern for a stranger and put thought into their needs when we've all got our own struggles.... they'll figure it out. 

it's far too easy to judge.. natural i think.  so harsh. so cold.  so unnecessary. but yet we all fall into the trap of assuming whatever makes it easiest to believe of a person.. just at simple glance, a small glimpse of a tiny detail of a persons life that probably means nothing anyway. but judge away...

oh look at how perfect she is, i bet she never has a bad day in her whole life.   well at least that lady is fatter then i am.. no need to feel so bad then.  i bet that guy has loads of money, must be nice not to have to stress about anything just buying anything you want all the time....

i dont know what i really expect to come of writing about this.. if nothing else maybe just evoke some type of thought and prevent even just one person from being so harsh  the next time around..

often we have no real idea of the path others live..

why not be that person who...

smiles at strangers.

buys the next guy's coffee.

holds the door open.

helps the neighbor with their groceries.

compliments the cashier on her hair..

may not seem like much but what's it gonna hurt?









 

The reason i cant sleep and wake

up at ridiculous times in the morning because my mind is full of wondering and questions....

i don't often write in a journal , i havent been able to acquire journal - ing as a part of my regular routine.
however, when im particularly upset and venting to those close to me and my therapist simply isnt enough i try to write for some type of "fix".  Here is an excerpt from tonights journal entry:

"the most frustrating part of the wkend was the convo w/ my dad.  Im overly frustrating & all I want to do is not feel.  Im tired of feeling

HURT.     REJECTED.     ALONE.     FORGOTTEN.    IGNORED.

it doesnt seem like many care abt feelings of anyone else ~  Why do i care so much??
Ive been working so hard at giving my feelings a voice but really... who cares?
Sometimes it feels like im only focusing on what went wrong instead of what went right.

I feel like if i dont watch my back all the time, im going to be tricked   -   taken advantage of    -   made a fool.

Why isnt it enough that I think im important?
Do I really think i am or is it that I just know im supposed to?

When will i feel at peace?"

The part of the weekend that was frustrating because of the conversation with my dad was about a recent skydiving experience i had... well not exactly about the experience but the details behind it.  My dad agreed to pay for me to go skydiving on my 30th birthday.  He wrote it in my Birthday card... this was the first gift id been given for my birthday in many years.  I turned 30 in May of 2009.  I asked to "cash it in" to go skydiving with one of my close friends on her 30th birthday just a week ago.  this did not go well for many reasons.

1. I had to debate with my dad in order for him to agree to pay for my birthday gift.  as usual, he "didn't really have the money right now"  however just the day before he had told me about his 10 day vacation to Arizona.  His recent purchase of a laptop that his wife "just loves".  and... how they've done so many house repairs, remodeled the office ... built on a screen porch to the house.... 

2. during the conversation debating my birthday gift i questioned whether my dad's and his wife were treating her 2 daughters the same way they treat his 2 daughters?  I dont get birthday gifts, i dont get xmas gifts.  the thing is... her daughters seem to have a great relationship with my father and their mother, they always have..... did they get money towards their weddings?  will i?  were they invited to the wedding between my father and his wife approx 12 years ago???  i know i wasnt... do they get invited to thanksgiving and christmas at their house... i know i dont.  

3. after asking the above questions to my dad he chose not to answer and agreed to pay for skydiving.    this to me meant:    all the above was true.     thanks dad.  thanks for paying for skydiving.      thanks for letting me know you treat "her daughters"  like children should be treated and you treat me much differently.  like i dont matter.  like i dont deserve to be treated like your child. 

   4.  dont ask me whats going on with this numbering ... i have no idea and im too annoyed to try and fix it.
   
   
   5.  I went skydiving on halloween weekend.  my dad has told me he would send the check like 3 times.  i asked on the day of halloween (cos he called to ask how skydiving went)  if he could please send me the money because i had taken it out of savings and needed to put it back because of a recent vacation i have scheduled and other reasons.  i fear if i dont follow up on this it will be forgotten and he agreed to it.  ----    i still dont have a check...
   
   6.  I called my dad on Saturday to explain that i was very upset and i was going to try not to yell however i didnt get the check and i dont understand why?   he said he "spaced it"  ..... well several times really i suppose cos we talked about a few times and he'd said he was going to mail the check at least three times... didnt i write this down somewhere as proof?  do i need proof?  does that even matter anyway... what am i going to do with said proof... take my dad to parent court and explain how he hurts me regularly by ignoring my feelings and not following through?
   
   7.  in my recent phone conversations with my father i have explained how when he does things "like this"  i feel like im not important.  it makes it hard to forget and forgive the past because i feel like nothings changed.  his actions are not the same as his words  ... "crystal, you are important"  .... but.... not important enough for me to follow through and try to treat you the same as my wife's children... thats what he means to say, right?
   
   8  i was crying the majority of the conversation.  it was hard to talk cos i was crying and so hurt... not yelling.  i didnt have the energy to be angry just so very sad.  i had to let my dad go because i felt i couldnt talk about this anymore and i was tired of crying.  i was tired of showing my weakness and letting him know i get hurt by his actions.
   
   9.  i told my father that "i had to go now" ... and hung up the phone.   he didnt call me back.  not today either.
   
   10.  why does this consume me.  why at 31 years old do i still feel deeply hurt by my father.  why do i still expect him to do what a father should... he never really has.. why would that change.  
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

    

The absolue worst feeling in all the world

is to experience heartbreak.   

i think its safe to say any person over 21 has experienced some type of true love lost that really shattered the heart to pieces. 

its like a part of you has been removed and will nevercome back.. ever.  your body aches, your chest tightens... the feelings are overwhelming.  you are certain you will never be that same person again.  you know this will change you and fear your heart will turn a bit colder.  this may make you bitter.  this may ruin you for the one.. the one that would never dream of crushing your delicate precious heart.  ... of course over time this gets easier and you start to breathe with out have to think about it and soon enough you stop thinkin' about them constant and it appears your life actually will move forward with out them... really it will! they're may be a glimpse of hope out there.. there may actually be home for you after all!

ive experienced this pain a lot in  my life already.. so much more than anyone ever should have too.  maybe because im super sensitive to everything.  maybe because ive brought it on myself.  maybe because i had the unfortune experience of loving the wrong ones over and over. 

being diagnosed with major depressive disorder for most my life can really exaggrate sadness by 10,000 times and flip my entire world upside down.  im a constant work in progress when it comes to my illness because...
i never want depression to define ME!
i never want to let it take over and push me to the end.
i WILL NEVER let this illness destroy MY life.
Take away my CHOICE.   

the seriousness of this disease is awful and i have to wonder how many people really understand the pain and hurt that goes along with it. can one who hasnt experienced depression REALLY understand the life threatening side of this disease? REALLY understand its uncontrollable. No one chooses to be this miserable?  REALLY.

now, with all that said... ppl with any illnesses have a choice.  a choice to treat it and choice not to.  a choice to self medicate with drugs and alcohol or self mutilation, whatever floats their boat i guess.  a choice to seek professional medical attention. a choice to be as healthy as you can by following the rules your doctor gives you.  a choice to use medication if thats necessary.  a choice to seek therapy because this isnt just a pain that can be taken away with medication, a person needs to get to the bottom of their pain.. accept their truth.  and i personally dont see how else you can do all that with out a professional therapist, counselor, psychologist..

the biggest heartache ive suffered is the worst you can have in my experience.  its a loss that no one should ever know.  the loss you have to accept without death.  the complete and udder ruin of ones childhood.  the heart break only a parent can cause.  Might seem odd to think of heartbreak in relation to a family member.  most only think of romantic heartbreak.. relationship fouls.  But i think the really big punch to the gut kind of heartbreak is when it comes from those who are meant to give you the only unconditional love you will have in your life. 

parents are supposed to protect you.  teach you.  help you when you go through loss.  help you understand how to get over heartbreak.. heartbreak thats non blood related.  the normal heartbreak that we all need to experience to know when we've found the one.  the truest love. the love that completes you. 

ive had an exceptionally hard episode with my parents as of recent and im struggling.  my pain is overwhelming me today.  yesterday.  probably next week too. 

i will survive.  i will breathe again soon.  i will laugh again soon.  i will stop crying.  soon.

Do you ever feel like you're going a million miles an hour...

yet it doesnt seem like you're going fast enough at all.  Talking so fast and with so much more to say and just cant figure out how to get it all out of your head with out someone cutting you off and then you're left with all this stuff rattling around that desperately needs to exit your body and ... aahh.. err... eehhm... now you're left with it. all spinning. inside your brain.  Before you know it you're lost on about 6 other topics you wanted to spew out as well.... this is why im on Adderall.  actually im on Vyvanse now but its just about the same thing.

Recently my doc told me to stop taking it for awhile cos ive got really bad acid reflux and he thought this could be a contributing factor... well im not so sure about all that but what i am sure about is with out being on my meds i cant stop the spinning and jumping from one thing to the next so fast i forgot where i was or how i got there.

I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD in the past year and i couldnt tell you how i managed with out meds for so long?!  I would joke with ppl about having ADD all the time growing up and i was half serious when id say it.  but you hear about how ADD has been misdiagnosed a ton and you hate to medicate for anything more than whats already required.  i didnt give it enough thought to do anything about it and no one else seemed to pay enough attention to me to notice.  odd that... i cant pay attention.  i grew up with parents that couldnt pay attention to me. 

I guess i finally realized it was a real problem when i had a mini breakdown and was forced to deal with the obvious, thats a topic for another day... when i was able to sort some underlying troubles out... get my head clear it still seemed IMPOSSIBLE to focus. The best way to describe what its like is if you imagine your mind racing.. flying from one thought so quickly to the next you cant catch it.. spinning round a race track at about 500mph.  all you want to do is slow it down.  pause for a minute to collect it all but it wont stop moving and there's no sense anyhow cos how'd you ever deal with all the backlog if it ever did stop?  its kind of exhausting.  its actually really exhausting.  i just realized i talk about "it" as if ADHD has a mind of it's own... well i guess it does.. sure thinks my mind doesnt work fast enough at all!

one of the first places i became aware of my ADHD causing problems would be at work trying to get one of the payroll's done and id jump from one to the other to the other... i couldnt ever get anything done cos id be so fast to jump to something else... constant spinning.  EXTREMELY counterproductive!  I suppose thats why a multi tasking job has always been good for me, gives you an excuse to keep on the move.  only problem with this is i was always going forward and couldnt seem to get back to anything... can you imagine the problems this caused!?

i wonder how it happened to me... if i was just born with it?  or .. can you develop ADHD later in life?  i wonder if either of my parents have it.. obviously they dont know because they arent treating it.. or maybe i have it due to all the drugs they did when i was a baby... id put my money on that and im not the gambling type.

so i guess this is the start of my open-ness regarding my many, many medical issues.  ive been hesitant to delve into it but i figured the last thing i want to do is contribute to the problem... there are enough really f'd up things in this world and the small difference i can make by accepting my truth is just what ive chose to do.
the stigma's regarding medical issues really bother me .. huge.  i suppose its the same as any harsh and unkind behaviour some have against others who are born with physical differences. judging seems to be one of the first things a person learns in life.  ive done my share.. thinking back, there are several times im ashamed to admit things ive said and felt in my ignorant years.  sometimes i can still be ignorant but i guess i view it differently now because i choose to reflect and learn from those behaviours.  

in no way am i claiming perfection in anything, id be the last to do so.. i just get really upset with the harshness in this world. im sure a huge contributing factor is my highly dysfunctional family and the lack of attention or concern for my needs.  ive always been the odd duck in the pond.  too many problems.  not enough patience.  ruled by confusing emotion.  zero guidance.  lets just say i my parents wouldnt be nominated for any type of awards.

so anyway... im still up, head spinning... a little less now cos im finally getting sleepy.  anxious to be given the go ahead to start up the Vyvanse again and make my head a little less busy.