i recently watched the

extreme home makeover show that was about a family who had lost their daughter because she was texting and driving.  it was sad, well and happy as they all are.  this family was really trying to make a difference and reach out to others by using themselves and their experience as an example.  must be really hard to continue everyday to force an issue and at the same time not be able to forget about your loss as its right in your face all the time...

so anyway.. after watching this very touching show and thinking / feeling just sick to my stomach about this family and the negative affects driving while distracted can do to a person / family... i go to the website and read about what happened to the girl and there is a pledge you can take.  the family has set up a page where you take a pledge to never text and drive... i wanted to do it... i felt like it was the right thing to do it!  who would ever know if i sent one little text here and there after signing the pledge???  --- ME!  i simply cannot live with myself saying that to the world and then the very next day sending a text while driving.. i mean does this include not being able to send a text while at a stop light???   ---  what is the matter with me?!!?  why cant i simply just sign the pledge and wait 10 minutes or whatever it is to respond.. honestly, i doubt anything i have to text someone is that important it cant wait. 

i am wide awake at 12:38a thinking about this because i know it doesnt make sense.  i know better.. ive been texting and looked up from my phone and had to swerve back in my lane.. ive said.. oooh that was close more times than i wish to admit.  --- i defo have cut down and generally only text when im stopped for a light but still, is it that difficult?  apparently i need to address this with my therapist.. adding it to the list.

The absolue worst feeling in all the world

is to experience heartbreak.   

i think its safe to say any person over 21 has experienced some type of true love lost that really shattered the heart to pieces. 

its like a part of you has been removed and will nevercome back.. ever.  your body aches, your chest tightens... the feelings are overwhelming.  you are certain you will never be that same person again.  you know this will change you and fear your heart will turn a bit colder.  this may make you bitter.  this may ruin you for the one.. the one that would never dream of crushing your delicate precious heart.  ... of course over time this gets easier and you start to breathe with out have to think about it and soon enough you stop thinkin' about them constant and it appears your life actually will move forward with out them... really it will! they're may be a glimpse of hope out there.. there may actually be home for you after all!

ive experienced this pain a lot in  my life already.. so much more than anyone ever should have too.  maybe because im super sensitive to everything.  maybe because ive brought it on myself.  maybe because i had the unfortune experience of loving the wrong ones over and over. 

being diagnosed with major depressive disorder for most my life can really exaggrate sadness by 10,000 times and flip my entire world upside down.  im a constant work in progress when it comes to my illness because...
i never want depression to define ME!
i never want to let it take over and push me to the end.
i WILL NEVER let this illness destroy MY life.
Take away my CHOICE.   

the seriousness of this disease is awful and i have to wonder how many people really understand the pain and hurt that goes along with it. can one who hasnt experienced depression REALLY understand the life threatening side of this disease? REALLY understand its uncontrollable. No one chooses to be this miserable?  REALLY.

now, with all that said... ppl with any illnesses have a choice.  a choice to treat it and choice not to.  a choice to self medicate with drugs and alcohol or self mutilation, whatever floats their boat i guess.  a choice to seek professional medical attention. a choice to be as healthy as you can by following the rules your doctor gives you.  a choice to use medication if thats necessary.  a choice to seek therapy because this isnt just a pain that can be taken away with medication, a person needs to get to the bottom of their pain.. accept their truth.  and i personally dont see how else you can do all that with out a professional therapist, counselor, psychologist..

the biggest heartache ive suffered is the worst you can have in my experience.  its a loss that no one should ever know.  the loss you have to accept without death.  the complete and udder ruin of ones childhood.  the heart break only a parent can cause.  Might seem odd to think of heartbreak in relation to a family member.  most only think of romantic heartbreak.. relationship fouls.  But i think the really big punch to the gut kind of heartbreak is when it comes from those who are meant to give you the only unconditional love you will have in your life. 

parents are supposed to protect you.  teach you.  help you when you go through loss.  help you understand how to get over heartbreak.. heartbreak thats non blood related.  the normal heartbreak that we all need to experience to know when we've found the one.  the truest love. the love that completes you. 

ive had an exceptionally hard episode with my parents as of recent and im struggling.  my pain is overwhelming me today.  yesterday.  probably next week too. 

i will survive.  i will breathe again soon.  i will laugh again soon.  i will stop crying.  soon.