The reason i cant sleep and wake

up at ridiculous times in the morning because my mind is full of wondering and questions....

i don't often write in a journal , i havent been able to acquire journal - ing as a part of my regular routine.
however, when im particularly upset and venting to those close to me and my therapist simply isnt enough i try to write for some type of "fix".  Here is an excerpt from tonights journal entry:

"the most frustrating part of the wkend was the convo w/ my dad.  Im overly frustrating & all I want to do is not feel.  Im tired of feeling

HURT.     REJECTED.     ALONE.     FORGOTTEN.    IGNORED.

it doesnt seem like many care abt feelings of anyone else ~  Why do i care so much??
Ive been working so hard at giving my feelings a voice but really... who cares?
Sometimes it feels like im only focusing on what went wrong instead of what went right.

I feel like if i dont watch my back all the time, im going to be tricked   -   taken advantage of    -   made a fool.

Why isnt it enough that I think im important?
Do I really think i am or is it that I just know im supposed to?

When will i feel at peace?"

The part of the weekend that was frustrating because of the conversation with my dad was about a recent skydiving experience i had... well not exactly about the experience but the details behind it.  My dad agreed to pay for me to go skydiving on my 30th birthday.  He wrote it in my Birthday card... this was the first gift id been given for my birthday in many years.  I turned 30 in May of 2009.  I asked to "cash it in" to go skydiving with one of my close friends on her 30th birthday just a week ago.  this did not go well for many reasons.

1. I had to debate with my dad in order for him to agree to pay for my birthday gift.  as usual, he "didn't really have the money right now"  however just the day before he had told me about his 10 day vacation to Arizona.  His recent purchase of a laptop that his wife "just loves".  and... how they've done so many house repairs, remodeled the office ... built on a screen porch to the house.... 

2. during the conversation debating my birthday gift i questioned whether my dad's and his wife were treating her 2 daughters the same way they treat his 2 daughters?  I dont get birthday gifts, i dont get xmas gifts.  the thing is... her daughters seem to have a great relationship with my father and their mother, they always have..... did they get money towards their weddings?  will i?  were they invited to the wedding between my father and his wife approx 12 years ago???  i know i wasnt... do they get invited to thanksgiving and christmas at their house... i know i dont.  

3. after asking the above questions to my dad he chose not to answer and agreed to pay for skydiving.    this to me meant:    all the above was true.     thanks dad.  thanks for paying for skydiving.      thanks for letting me know you treat "her daughters"  like children should be treated and you treat me much differently.  like i dont matter.  like i dont deserve to be treated like your child. 

   4.  dont ask me whats going on with this numbering ... i have no idea and im too annoyed to try and fix it.
   
   
   5.  I went skydiving on halloween weekend.  my dad has told me he would send the check like 3 times.  i asked on the day of halloween (cos he called to ask how skydiving went)  if he could please send me the money because i had taken it out of savings and needed to put it back because of a recent vacation i have scheduled and other reasons.  i fear if i dont follow up on this it will be forgotten and he agreed to it.  ----    i still dont have a check...
   
   6.  I called my dad on Saturday to explain that i was very upset and i was going to try not to yell however i didnt get the check and i dont understand why?   he said he "spaced it"  ..... well several times really i suppose cos we talked about a few times and he'd said he was going to mail the check at least three times... didnt i write this down somewhere as proof?  do i need proof?  does that even matter anyway... what am i going to do with said proof... take my dad to parent court and explain how he hurts me regularly by ignoring my feelings and not following through?
   
   7.  in my recent phone conversations with my father i have explained how when he does things "like this"  i feel like im not important.  it makes it hard to forget and forgive the past because i feel like nothings changed.  his actions are not the same as his words  ... "crystal, you are important"  .... but.... not important enough for me to follow through and try to treat you the same as my wife's children... thats what he means to say, right?
   
   8  i was crying the majority of the conversation.  it was hard to talk cos i was crying and so hurt... not yelling.  i didnt have the energy to be angry just so very sad.  i had to let my dad go because i felt i couldnt talk about this anymore and i was tired of crying.  i was tired of showing my weakness and letting him know i get hurt by his actions.
   
   9.  i told my father that "i had to go now" ... and hung up the phone.   he didnt call me back.  not today either.
   
   10.  why does this consume me.  why at 31 years old do i still feel deeply hurt by my father.  why do i still expect him to do what a father should... he never really has.. why would that change.  
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

    

go to sleep!!!

i cant sleep.

do you ever have those nights no matter how tired you are or what big event is going on the next day you absolutely can not sleep!  of course i could probably go drug myself and get some sleep but then i know ill be really sleepy tomorrow and i hate that, plus i try not to use medication when i dont absolutely need it.  i said TRY.

anyway... im pretty sure the reason i cant sleep is because of an issue i had earlier with my bf's family.  the stickiest situations always seem to happen with familes and because im not close with mine its especially hard for me to tolerate others due to my unfamiliarity of how it all works.

so heres the sitch... this family does not communicate very well which in itself drives me CRAZY!  then to top it off there are several members with giant delusions who tend to believe certain members are pretty much on the level of jesus himself.. my bf and i actually came to the conclusion that a certain uncle of his must actually have a phone that rings directly to obama himself with all the wisdom he apparently knows.  i dont understand where this comes from at all.. i guess maybe when i have kids someday i'll get the whole "my kid can do no wrong and how dare you say he may be slightly less than perfect?!!!?"  whatev.  when someone tells me my dog did something wrong i immediately think, ugh i bet he did that... naughty puppy!! not... ugh, my dog would never do that.. are you sure??  are you just plotting against him to make him out to sound like the worst dog ever??  how could you say that about MY dog.  my dog doesnt do that sort of thing.  pfft, that person is stupid and clearly wouldnt know their head from a whole in the wall (i dont actually know what that means but my mom said it growing up)  parents of the world.. well the one or two parents that actually read this are probably cringing at my comparison for kids to dogs however this is the only example i could possibly use.  so the next time you want to try and understand things from my point of view just tell your kid to sit, shake and lay down.  then give them a treat and they should go away for awhile :)

anyhow.  this situation bothered me so much because:

1. the obvious issue was due to said "jesus like figure" however no one has the balls enough to say it.

2.  i get sick and tired of going along with ideas and putting myself out because its important to "go with the flow" 

3.  when is it ever the right time to say it like it is.

4.  i know im going to be the bad guy if i say how i really feel but how else do i keep going along with this bullshit and still live a morally conscience life!!???!

the biggest issue i have with all this is my bf is the type that never wants to rock the boat and because i love him dearly i try with everything in me to respect his wishes. however, somethings gotta give.. soon!

i think im ready to write dear abbey... or martha or whoever you write that seems to know all the right answers and give you an excuse to be a bitch because its ridiculous you've been playing along with this little charade as long as you have!