i recently watched the

extreme home makeover show that was about a family who had lost their daughter because she was texting and driving.  it was sad, well and happy as they all are.  this family was really trying to make a difference and reach out to others by using themselves and their experience as an example.  must be really hard to continue everyday to force an issue and at the same time not be able to forget about your loss as its right in your face all the time...

so anyway.. after watching this very touching show and thinking / feeling just sick to my stomach about this family and the negative affects driving while distracted can do to a person / family... i go to the website and read about what happened to the girl and there is a pledge you can take.  the family has set up a page where you take a pledge to never text and drive... i wanted to do it... i felt like it was the right thing to do it!  who would ever know if i sent one little text here and there after signing the pledge???  --- ME!  i simply cannot live with myself saying that to the world and then the very next day sending a text while driving.. i mean does this include not being able to send a text while at a stop light???   ---  what is the matter with me?!!?  why cant i simply just sign the pledge and wait 10 minutes or whatever it is to respond.. honestly, i doubt anything i have to text someone is that important it cant wait. 

i am wide awake at 12:38a thinking about this because i know it doesnt make sense.  i know better.. ive been texting and looked up from my phone and had to swerve back in my lane.. ive said.. oooh that was close more times than i wish to admit.  --- i defo have cut down and generally only text when im stopped for a light but still, is it that difficult?  apparently i need to address this with my therapist.. adding it to the list.

go to sleep!!!

i cant sleep.

do you ever have those nights no matter how tired you are or what big event is going on the next day you absolutely can not sleep!  of course i could probably go drug myself and get some sleep but then i know ill be really sleepy tomorrow and i hate that, plus i try not to use medication when i dont absolutely need it.  i said TRY.

anyway... im pretty sure the reason i cant sleep is because of an issue i had earlier with my bf's family.  the stickiest situations always seem to happen with familes and because im not close with mine its especially hard for me to tolerate others due to my unfamiliarity of how it all works.

so heres the sitch... this family does not communicate very well which in itself drives me CRAZY!  then to top it off there are several members with giant delusions who tend to believe certain members are pretty much on the level of jesus himself.. my bf and i actually came to the conclusion that a certain uncle of his must actually have a phone that rings directly to obama himself with all the wisdom he apparently knows.  i dont understand where this comes from at all.. i guess maybe when i have kids someday i'll get the whole "my kid can do no wrong and how dare you say he may be slightly less than perfect?!!!?"  whatev.  when someone tells me my dog did something wrong i immediately think, ugh i bet he did that... naughty puppy!! not... ugh, my dog would never do that.. are you sure??  are you just plotting against him to make him out to sound like the worst dog ever??  how could you say that about MY dog.  my dog doesnt do that sort of thing.  pfft, that person is stupid and clearly wouldnt know their head from a whole in the wall (i dont actually know what that means but my mom said it growing up)  parents of the world.. well the one or two parents that actually read this are probably cringing at my comparison for kids to dogs however this is the only example i could possibly use.  so the next time you want to try and understand things from my point of view just tell your kid to sit, shake and lay down.  then give them a treat and they should go away for awhile :)

anyhow.  this situation bothered me so much because:

1. the obvious issue was due to said "jesus like figure" however no one has the balls enough to say it.

2.  i get sick and tired of going along with ideas and putting myself out because its important to "go with the flow" 

3.  when is it ever the right time to say it like it is.

4.  i know im going to be the bad guy if i say how i really feel but how else do i keep going along with this bullshit and still live a morally conscience life!!???!

the biggest issue i have with all this is my bf is the type that never wants to rock the boat and because i love him dearly i try with everything in me to respect his wishes. however, somethings gotta give.. soon!

i think im ready to write dear abbey... or martha or whoever you write that seems to know all the right answers and give you an excuse to be a bitch because its ridiculous you've been playing along with this little charade as long as you have!