Do you ever feel like you're going a million miles an hour...

yet it doesnt seem like you're going fast enough at all.  Talking so fast and with so much more to say and just cant figure out how to get it all out of your head with out someone cutting you off and then you're left with all this stuff rattling around that desperately needs to exit your body and ... aahh.. err... eehhm... now you're left with it. all spinning. inside your brain.  Before you know it you're lost on about 6 other topics you wanted to spew out as well.... this is why im on Adderall.  actually im on Vyvanse now but its just about the same thing.

Recently my doc told me to stop taking it for awhile cos ive got really bad acid reflux and he thought this could be a contributing factor... well im not so sure about all that but what i am sure about is with out being on my meds i cant stop the spinning and jumping from one thing to the next so fast i forgot where i was or how i got there.

I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD in the past year and i couldnt tell you how i managed with out meds for so long?!  I would joke with ppl about having ADD all the time growing up and i was half serious when id say it.  but you hear about how ADD has been misdiagnosed a ton and you hate to medicate for anything more than whats already required.  i didnt give it enough thought to do anything about it and no one else seemed to pay enough attention to me to notice.  odd that... i cant pay attention.  i grew up with parents that couldnt pay attention to me. 

I guess i finally realized it was a real problem when i had a mini breakdown and was forced to deal with the obvious, thats a topic for another day... when i was able to sort some underlying troubles out... get my head clear it still seemed IMPOSSIBLE to focus. The best way to describe what its like is if you imagine your mind racing.. flying from one thought so quickly to the next you cant catch it.. spinning round a race track at about 500mph.  all you want to do is slow it down.  pause for a minute to collect it all but it wont stop moving and there's no sense anyhow cos how'd you ever deal with all the backlog if it ever did stop?  its kind of exhausting.  its actually really exhausting.  i just realized i talk about "it" as if ADHD has a mind of it's own... well i guess it does.. sure thinks my mind doesnt work fast enough at all!

one of the first places i became aware of my ADHD causing problems would be at work trying to get one of the payroll's done and id jump from one to the other to the other... i couldnt ever get anything done cos id be so fast to jump to something else... constant spinning.  EXTREMELY counterproductive!  I suppose thats why a multi tasking job has always been good for me, gives you an excuse to keep on the move.  only problem with this is i was always going forward and couldnt seem to get back to anything... can you imagine the problems this caused!?

i wonder how it happened to me... if i was just born with it?  or .. can you develop ADHD later in life?  i wonder if either of my parents have it.. obviously they dont know because they arent treating it.. or maybe i have it due to all the drugs they did when i was a baby... id put my money on that and im not the gambling type.

so i guess this is the start of my open-ness regarding my many, many medical issues.  ive been hesitant to delve into it but i figured the last thing i want to do is contribute to the problem... there are enough really f'd up things in this world and the small difference i can make by accepting my truth is just what ive chose to do.
the stigma's regarding medical issues really bother me .. huge.  i suppose its the same as any harsh and unkind behaviour some have against others who are born with physical differences. judging seems to be one of the first things a person learns in life.  ive done my share.. thinking back, there are several times im ashamed to admit things ive said and felt in my ignorant years.  sometimes i can still be ignorant but i guess i view it differently now because i choose to reflect and learn from those behaviours.  

in no way am i claiming perfection in anything, id be the last to do so.. i just get really upset with the harshness in this world. im sure a huge contributing factor is my highly dysfunctional family and the lack of attention or concern for my needs.  ive always been the odd duck in the pond.  too many problems.  not enough patience.  ruled by confusing emotion.  zero guidance.  lets just say i my parents wouldnt be nominated for any type of awards.

so anyway... im still up, head spinning... a little less now cos im finally getting sleepy.  anxious to be given the go ahead to start up the Vyvanse again and make my head a little less busy.