The absolue worst feeling in all the world

is to experience heartbreak.   

i think its safe to say any person over 21 has experienced some type of true love lost that really shattered the heart to pieces. 

its like a part of you has been removed and will nevercome back.. ever.  your body aches, your chest tightens... the feelings are overwhelming.  you are certain you will never be that same person again.  you know this will change you and fear your heart will turn a bit colder.  this may make you bitter.  this may ruin you for the one.. the one that would never dream of crushing your delicate precious heart.  ... of course over time this gets easier and you start to breathe with out have to think about it and soon enough you stop thinkin' about them constant and it appears your life actually will move forward with out them... really it will! they're may be a glimpse of hope out there.. there may actually be home for you after all!

ive experienced this pain a lot in  my life already.. so much more than anyone ever should have too.  maybe because im super sensitive to everything.  maybe because ive brought it on myself.  maybe because i had the unfortune experience of loving the wrong ones over and over. 

being diagnosed with major depressive disorder for most my life can really exaggrate sadness by 10,000 times and flip my entire world upside down.  im a constant work in progress when it comes to my illness because...
i never want depression to define ME!
i never want to let it take over and push me to the end.
i WILL NEVER let this illness destroy MY life.
Take away my CHOICE.   

the seriousness of this disease is awful and i have to wonder how many people really understand the pain and hurt that goes along with it. can one who hasnt experienced depression REALLY understand the life threatening side of this disease? REALLY understand its uncontrollable. No one chooses to be this miserable?  REALLY.

now, with all that said... ppl with any illnesses have a choice.  a choice to treat it and choice not to.  a choice to self medicate with drugs and alcohol or self mutilation, whatever floats their boat i guess.  a choice to seek professional medical attention. a choice to be as healthy as you can by following the rules your doctor gives you.  a choice to use medication if thats necessary.  a choice to seek therapy because this isnt just a pain that can be taken away with medication, a person needs to get to the bottom of their pain.. accept their truth.  and i personally dont see how else you can do all that with out a professional therapist, counselor, psychologist..

the biggest heartache ive suffered is the worst you can have in my experience.  its a loss that no one should ever know.  the loss you have to accept without death.  the complete and udder ruin of ones childhood.  the heart break only a parent can cause.  Might seem odd to think of heartbreak in relation to a family member.  most only think of romantic heartbreak.. relationship fouls.  But i think the really big punch to the gut kind of heartbreak is when it comes from those who are meant to give you the only unconditional love you will have in your life. 

parents are supposed to protect you.  teach you.  help you when you go through loss.  help you understand how to get over heartbreak.. heartbreak thats non blood related.  the normal heartbreak that we all need to experience to know when we've found the one.  the truest love. the love that completes you. 

ive had an exceptionally hard episode with my parents as of recent and im struggling.  my pain is overwhelming me today.  yesterday.  probably next week too. 

i will survive.  i will breathe again soon.  i will laugh again soon.  i will stop crying.  soon.